150831.

Time has long gone drifted by

and it's been forever since

I land here again to share little bits

of what I think are right and wrong.

I don't think I'll linger here anymore

because I have found my 

bearings once again.

On my own, I know where

I'm going and I know what
I'm doing, and I'm taking
absolute responsibility for my actions
and spoken thoughts.

I'll leave this up to here,

and I don't know when I'll come back,

but when I do,

you may or may not

expect me to change my mindset

in the things revolving around us

because this is who I am

and I'll keep it this way

until both you and I are sick of it.

Thank you for reading my

poured statements

and I'm always sorry if

my words stabbed you hard

somewhere deep within.

Just like you, I am imperfect

and I make mistakes anytime

and anywhere, but I

reflect and I try to be better.

It's been a lovely journey here

and I'm so glad to be able to

experience this world for so long.

I am alive,

I am well,

and I am happy.

Until then, take care

and goodbye.

♔

150831.

You cannot tell a girl off after she bought her very first two pairs of Tempos. She had worn it during
the daylight and night, conscious, restless and a little bit ashamed. But for the first time in a while, she
had been very confident, ultimately sure, and obviously proud of something she always think she
lacks and dislikes. You cannot scold her without knowing the reason why she suddenly bought them
without your (or anyone else's) consent. She had been sick of her own insecurities, and if she tells you
this, you cannot claim her statement as something idiotic or childish because you never know how it
feels to be thigh-shamed ever since her childhood. You never know because you don't even care about

it; you never know because she never tells you about it. Why not? She knows that you'll think they're
stupid and that she's been self-centered. It's never wrong to be self-centered about self-esteem once in a
while, and yet you, as someone who is so close and so dear for her, never tell her this because you

always think it's irrelevant. But it actually is because you never know how she once had severe suicidal
thoughts and yet she never tells you this (as ever) because she's sorry for you. The Tempos didn't do
her wrong; she never wore it anywhere but her own sanctuary, and she found love in the hatred she has
for her own body. You never know because all you (and everyone else) can ever think of is how
free-spirited she is and that she doesn't know how to take care of herself. Yes, it's true. She doesn't
because nobody teaches her how to love her own body the way it is. It's sad because it's usually
someone as important as you who would encourage others like her to love themselves. This is
something you always do; you'd scold her and get furious at her when she sometimes does things you
(and everyone else) dislike, but you never try to find out the reasons why she did them. She didn't do
them out of blind thirst; she did them to let go of her insecurities. She's teaching herself things which
you (and everyone else) never do because she knows that you (and everyone else) will never teach her
a thing since they're deemed unimportant and time-wasting.  It lasted for only three days and three

nights, halted by hushed malicious whispers behind her back and a lot more nonsensical scolding from

you, but she had been the happiest and the most confident then. You (and everyone else) obviously
don't know this, but her Tempos literally saved her sanity and life.

♔

150421.

"You seem bored all the time."
Let's be real, I couldn't agree less.

I'm not exactly bored too,

I always knew that something is missing.

Every days have no schedule,

every days have no prior plans.

Every days are flawless

and perfect

and I am always thankful for them.

Waking up, eating, attending classes,

hanging out with the squad,

interacting with people,

lots and lots of praying,

dreaming and hoping,

smiling, laughing,

mourning, frowning,

reading books, writing out thoughts,

watching Studio Ghibli movies,

go shopping with the

prettiest girls on the block,

taking showers and lifetime baths,

cuddling cats, more praying and wishing,

contemplating things, sleeping.

Everything and everyone I see everyday are the

same old kinds, the same old stuffs, the same

old friends and families, the same old.

They're monotonous and constant and stable,

and yet I want more.

I don't want rocky roads or rollercoaster rides,

I want more sparks to the fire,

more stars and clouds on my night and day skies,

I just want more.

I am in desperate need of someone completely new,

who has no absolute connections

to the people I know

for so long, who will completely

sweep me off my feet

by surprise, who will effortlessly

scrape me off the concrete,

who has the ability

to show me something different

and something I have never experienced before.

I just want to find that

missing chip of puzzle

and use it to improve myself as a person,

use it for other people's benefits,

use it to help myself

and help others,

use it not merely as a stepping stone to success

but as a chance to experience

an experience.

Will you help me look for it, too?

Pretty please?

♔

150220.

current mood:

♔

150218.

There'll be times when you

come across something that immensely

appeals you, and you decided

overnight to like it. You'd approach

it enthusiastically, with positive

vibes here and there, and you'd

play with it once or twice

to see if it's worth your fragment of

happiness. It eventually does, and

you'd lose yourself in

the feeling of being high because

of it. And you'd be soaring

with it high, so high that

you misuse it. You'd unintentionally

create a mistake, of course,

a mistake which got you scolded

by the society because you've

been losing yourself

in its fake joy. You'd hate it

because it made you miserable,

you'd leave it alone and let

time heal you agonizingly. You'd

come back and grab

that thing you once loved so much,

but you'd realise how much it has

lost its appeal because it didn't

love you back; it betrayed you

and it brought trauma upon you.

You'd have this push-pull

relationship with it; you'd throw it

aside when better things come to

you, and you'd keep it close

with you when you don't have

anything else in your hands.

Everyone's like that,

including you and me,

and I pity the both of us

and the rest of them

for being such damsels in distresses.

♔

150211.

♔

150130.

Sitting by the porch alone thoughtlessly makes me realise how January is already coming to its very end
and I still haven't found out what to do or what to correct in 2015. To be challenged with a heavy
weight of responsibility was never expected, especially when I'm still stuck at this phase of not trusting
myself yet. Everyone around me kept on saying that I'm very much ready to be independent and live
the tough life alone, but I still don't believe that. I'm still a child at heart; I cling onto those who keep me
sane and alive, I tug on those who are already capable of living this life independently, I seek attention
from those who are already soaring so much higher than me. Every night, before I go to sleep, I'd be
there in bed with my eyes closed, trying my best to convince myself that I can do what adults usually
do, but I'd be awake in the morning, sitting up still with hazy vision and focused conscience about the
fact that I have failed to convince myself over and over again. It's still not a good start for the year, but I
know the reason why I'm trying so hard and I know the kindhearted people I want to repay. Maybe I
don't deserve happiness just yet because happiness is a blessing for those who have done outstanding
deeds in the past, but that's okay. Here I am, still living life just like all girls and people do, and even
though I'm not wholly satisfied with whoever I am and whatever I do yet, I am still living in content.

Life is magnificent. Alhamdulillah.

♔

141231.

The year is coming to its very end and I still have no idea what my resolution is (although the people

around me have been posting and talking about it like they know how to keep track of their lives).

I'm pretty sure that this year has been hectic, with a lot of unnecessary dramas and tantrums here and

there, such as shattering the poor hearts of kindhearted people or terrorizing those horrible ones just

because I want them to stop being so close-minded about things. Anyways. I met completely new

people and befriended them as soon as we clicked, but I've let go of the ones I've hung onto for so, so

long simply because we no longer found chemistry in each other and that our point-of-views have

drastically changed. I wished them all the best even though I don't know if they did the same to me or

not, but that's alright. This year was never about nailing my position on top of the food chain because I

was already flailing and it was a lot harder to pull myself up and gather some sort of vicious guts to start

from the bottom all over again. This is obviously not the end of the story; 2015 will be a lot more harder

and a lot more torturous than this. I know that I've been crashing into this party uninvited and there

are tons of them who are willing to kick my ass off this precious floor, but I won't give in to their

violence. Especially not when I made a promise to myself that I will repay all the mistakes I did this

year with better deeds. After all, the nights are still young and I still got plenty of stars in my pocket to

help me gallop away from this year's misery. Here I am, silently thanking those who are still willing to

walk down this narrow path with this tattered me. I'm thankful for everything that has happened this

year, no matter if they were heavenly or agonizing. See you in the drift!

♔

141226.

♔

141226.

I went through several

Instagrams belonging to my

friends, and their hundreds

of photo collections fascinated

me. Some of them were

jumping by the beach,

some of them were chilling

out at certain cafes,

some of them were

abroad to study as exchange

students, some of them

were rehearsing for their

next plays, and some of

them were just being

couch potatoes at home,

posing photos with their

lunch meals or their bowls

of decorated ice-creams.

They are all bright people

with positive minds and

productive timelines. Unlike

me, they have interesting

lives and they are nothing

more than just being happy;

as if nothing in the

world can stop them from

being joyous, from being

cheerful, and just being

downright themselves.

I look at their photos

once again, and even if I

am not as happy as them,

I am happy to see

them live happier lives than me.

♔

141216.

It's been a while since a grand responsibility is handed over to me. Today's progressive meeting about

our major's very-first national competition for schools all over the nation gave me a serious insight of

how to become part of a job. I glanced at myself from five years ago, who used to shamelessly

underestimate event organizers. I used to think that organizing an event is as easy as picking out clothes

or setting up a dinner table because I was never involved in the organizing process. Being part of the

organizers is definitely not an easy task as I used to believe before, and the intensive debate we threw at

each other tonight sent me chills; the kind of chills which excite me and set me on a certain overdrive.

To be able to directly share ideas and question ambiguous suggestions in the midst of a round table was

quite an experience, and this is obviously new since the context is college students (aka those people

you should never mess with). The discussion rounds make me want to strive harder for a good position

as an acceptable member of this newfound circle. I'm starting to not care if I'm flunking my grades little

by little because of this national event we're trying to organize; I only live once, and it's not everyday I

can get a free pass to pour out my sudden passion towards something as new as this.

♔

141215.

And today, I learnt a lot of things. To unintentionally throw away someone who gave me everything

I've always asked for was the worst mistake I have ever done in my twenty years of living. It took me a

couple of years secretly trying to find out how to repay all of the goods deeds that person did for my

well-being, so I eventually vowed that, no matter how many exes I have, I will always support them in

whatever things they want to do. That is exactly what I did today, and when I shamelessly told that

person that I really did gave him my ultimate support, my heart couldn't help but to skip a beat as he

gave me this twinkling look, the obvious "thank you" words left unsaid but whispered through the
breeze. And today, I also expressed a lot of things. It's been an entire decade since I hold an
underground passion for this beautiful skill called writing, and I've been trying to find out ways of how

to make them seem as enjoyable as it is for me towards others. Who said that writing is a boring skill? If 

you cannot find ways of expressing yourself verbally, then how else are you going to express yourself

without writing? Everything I expressed today said it all; this is me, this is what I love to do, I don't care

if some of them would think of being obsessed with writing is cringe-worthy. Nobody can change me.

And today, I even admitted a lot of things. I've waited for two years, three years now, to be able to have

some guts and look at this new person into the eye, just like the obvious strangers we are. But when it

was obvious that we've been stealing constant glances at each other, I just knew that what we have here

is probably just an infatuation. Or maybe it is infatuation. I'd be blessed if it really is something more

than just infatuation, just like how I wished for it to be, but what we have right now is already enough

for me right now. 2014 will come to an end in about two weeks, and I somehow swore that I must be

brave and that I must lit up a spark between us before 2015 falls into our footsteps. I am ready to close

the book I am currently writing, and I am ready to write on a brand-new one. It's about time for me to

proceed with life, grow up, and simply meet someone outrageously new in order to lead me in this life.

♔

141123.

Today, I mistook the

word "moth" for "mosque"

and my classmate

bricked my head

for good because he

knew that, as the days

pass by, my brain is

beginning to deteriorate.

I did not even let

him comment on how

forgetful I have been

because I know it

myself. The rest of my

friends try to confirm

my sanity by fishing

my cheerful personality

back, but I felt numb.

A couple of

them gave me a carton

of my favourite French Vanilla

iced coffee in order

to lift me up once again.

I quietly realise that

I've been drowning in

my thoughts too

deep, so when

my senior gave my

shoulder a pat and

a hug that can rival

all sorts of warmth

in the world, I just know

that I am not

alone and that better

days are probably about to

be served on a china

plate just for me.

♔

141121.

Everyone agrees that he is a

lunatic; the living epitome of

losing one's mind. He would

crawl on the cold tiles

submissively, wild midnight hair

sprawled in all sorts of directions,

blank eyes bloodshot and

blinking every second, eyelids strewn in

crimson and kohl. His

tanned skin was caressed

by torn jeans and an

even tattered straitjacket, an

alias to his seemingly unstable

sanity. But they were his

props to express his feelings of

being trapped in a

kaleidoscopic confusion; he wants

to be free from the

overdosing amount of possession

he is strained with, but he is

simultaneously addicted to the

feeling of being severely loved,

everyday craving for

more affinity while struggling

to tear the malicious

hunger apart. He is addicted,

addicted, addicted. He wants

to stop but he'll suffocate

if he does. Like the living

Le Sacre Du Printemps he

is, he flung his straitjacket

around his torso once

again before he passionately

pirouettes a call

for a doctor.

♔

141108.

Laugh as if

you are the merriest

creature in

this universe.

Laugh as if

you have lost

your mind and

won't bother to

look for it.

Laugh as if something

hilarious is definitely

making your day.

Laugh as if you've

never been a victim

of the world's

sadistic deeds.

Laugh as if you've

never done anything

wrong in the past.

Laugh as if

you are shameless

and you want

others to look at

you laughing so that

they will laugh

along with you.

Laugh as if it

is the only thing

you can ever do.

Laugh as if

your entire life

depends on it.

Laugh as if you

are the only happy

virus who can

even make the

clouds up in the

sky laugh.

Laugh, simply.

♔

141104.

Sometimes, it's

awesome to

be reckless.

Doing things as if

you're the

only one existing

in this big

bad world

with no one to

judge whoever

or whatever the

heck you are.

Being yourself

without having to

be frowned

upon as you

learn to

sharpen that one

unique character of

yours. Becoming

someone you've

always dreamt of

being like the

skies are only

a doorstep

away from your

grasp. However,

the big

bad world does not

run that way.

So, either you have

to abide

by the rules or

plummet down

in your fantasy.

♔

141004.

♔

141002.

My fingers are

unstoppable; they

write, write, write

and soon

type, type, type.

My mind is also

unstoppable; the

wheels and gears

in my head

are on fire and

they keep on

accelerating faster

and faster with

rigorous statements

which are about

to pour out

immediately. There's

only one hope I

can see right behind

my eyelids, only

one way through the

last chance I tightly

clench in my grasp:

"prove them."

I'll tell the world that

I really love

what I am doing

and I must

show them that

this is what keeps me

alive, that this is

what keeps my focus

intact, that this is

what builds my character.

Because no matter

how many times others

would tell me

to stop this

unnecessary passion,

I'd still huff in

dissatisfaction, and still

come back to this exact

same spot and

still continue to

be immersed in

either writing

or typing again.

♔

141002.

♔

140928.

You can never have too many friends, they'd say.

But I am the kind who never goes out of the

comfort zone to challenge a new environment,

so I look at the handful of the people I am

immensely familiar with, and gaze. We were

innocent and unknowing of what is bound

to happen to us once we connect and never

break away. There were happy moments where

everything was about pointless laughter and

crinkled twinkling eyes, vibes so upbeat

and alive. There were depressing days where

we'd argue and quarrel to the point of ignoring

each other or even talking behind backs.

By the end of the day, we'd all reconcile

with unsaid words of "sorry" hanging in the

air on purpose for we know that the more

rocky our roads are, the more we are able

to comprehend each other and become much

closer than ever. When I look at them

again today, I can't help but to just smile

at them until they'd ask me whether I'm

spacing out again because I've been doing

that alone, swimming in my own thoughts, whilst

they've been busy whining over the piling

assignments laid out on our base-camp table. I want to

walk a long path with them where we can

be together for a lifetime. It really doesn't

matter if my number of companions are not

as plenty as others for I don't really do a whole load

of social media, but if they're still able to live

life with the exact same smiles they are

donning right now, then I'm satisfied. For the

first time in a while, I am thanking them for

being this beautiful thing called "friends", and

I truly wish them very blessed lives ahead.

♔